A part of me needs to leave my old life behind.
A part of me wants it back.
A part of me misses it horribly.
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I can't just pretend it never happened. No matter how unsafe Spiritually it was. Sure, it seems like a dream to me because most of it was lived in a sort of trance/ tripped out/ surreal/ too much dreaming/ not enough reality kind of way (no, I wasn't on drugs...). It's hard to explain, but basically my dreams were huge and I lived each day making myself believe I could have them.
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And they weren't normal dreams.
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There is one thing that I do miss though. The way the sun hit the air. It was different out there. It inspired me and comforted me in a deep, creative way. Again, it's impossible to explain. It was like creativity flowed through the atmosphere and if the sun hit the clouds and the trees just right.... I could write a whole movie in my head based on the feeling in that moment in time. I haven't felt that in awhile. The sun here shines brightly, but its higher in the sky, I think, it doesn't create the right kind of shadows and filtered light.
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I miss my creative atmosphere.
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I miss dreaming about traveling the world, and living against everything society talked about and decided was the true way to live life. I miss listening to Bright Eyes and Brian Jonestown Massacre on the city bus and listening to buskers on Whyte Ave (who were really just lazy teens with no ambition in life and a faded ability to dream). I miss the local shows and going to halls to hear my buddies play. I miss the cliff where everything seemed to be put into proper perspective... my perspective.
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I miss my inspirers..... the world was ours to conquer. Sitting in the field with our guitars, our camera and the creative atmosphere.... our castle and our sheep and the band.... I didn't want anything more. I had my best friends and my future all planned out.
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Those are the things I know I need to let go. Unhealthy, though so exciting. It hurts when you're best friends don't feel the same passion about true life that you do. God just wasn't in the cards they dealt for themselves.
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And they were bringing me down, while lifting me so high.
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Pause.
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I don't know what got me thinking about this anyway... kinda weird actually. Edmonton was just a city of inspiration for me, and I guess what I might be getting at, or where I could take this thought is that... Ottawa is a place of inspiration for me too... it's just different inspiration. It's Holy inspiration. And although leaving Edmonton was difficult and I do miss the creative atmosphere, I'm so glad I was able to give it up for Holy inspiration. I've found true meaning in life and dreams since I've been here. My future is actually starting to get colour and I feel like it's going to be good....
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Start.
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I'm tired.
And I've been eyeing my Mars bar for almost an hour now....
I can't resist any longer.
To Mars and to bed, that's my dream for tonight.
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