Until My Heart Caves In

There Is None Like You

2010-07-20T13:02:00.000-07:00

My heart is weak and my mind feeling like giving up. There has been a break-up, a disconnect, a distance... a lack of inspiration and a whirlwind of confusion.

I forgot to look up... instead, I've been looking around.

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[My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest. Exodus 33:14]

‎[I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. Jeremiah 31:3]

‎[My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9]

‎[I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:8]

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This concept of giving it all... of letting go and being at peace with the thought of God, this seemingly invisible creator, this master of life... leading me blindly.... it's a concept I haven't been able to fully grasp yet. I want to. I know I need to. And I'm trying.

God IS Love.
And Love is what I crave.

Craving God is a good feeling... a heart wrenching, life focusing, mind opening, faith pushing feeling that, even though is good, can be painful and scary.

But it's real.
And God IS real.

God is Love.
And Love is real.

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And so I begin, as I begin again and again everyday.... my journey to knowing You more, to knowing my Lord... my Saviour... more and more.

More and more.

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The Hardest Part

2009-01-29T12:48:00.000-08:00

Wow. I never really knew pain until I experienced these past couple weeks. I never realized how deep my love ran for Him... James. And he didn't really break my heart, as much as he took it straight out of my chest and put it somewhere in his.

But it always did belong to him, so I guess it only makes sense.

When they say time heals all wounds, are they talking days, months, years? Do I have to fall out of love before the pain subsides? Do I have to find some sort of distraction in the shape of a male to cover up all the memories that I love so much?

Holding hands in the forest... blowing kisses before saying goodnight... every night...

Will the sun always shine for him in my eyes? Will the moon always hover as if it's somehow connecting us no matter how far apart we are?

Will every beautiful thing God created always remind me of his smile.... the smile that used to be only mine?

[You belong with me, not swallowed in the sea]

I promised to love you forever, and I think I can still do it.

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God is love.

05.10.08

2008-10-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

Come a little bit closer

Hear what I have to say

Just like children sleepin

We could dream this night away

But there's a full moon risin

Lets go dancing in the light

We know where the music's playin

Let's go out and feel the night

Because I'm still in love with you

I want to see you dance again

Because I'm still in love with you

On this harvest moon

When we were strangers

I watched you from afar

When we were lovers

I loved you with all my heart

But now its getting late

And the moon is climbing high

I want to celebrate

The sea is shining in your eyes

Because I'm still in love with you

I want to see you dance again

Because I'm still in love with you

On this harvest moon

Wish You Were Here

2008-10-03T20:14:00.000-07:00

I can't figure out how to write down what I feel right now.

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I made such a stupid mistake.

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"When you're too in love to let it go..."

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Never let other people's opinions change the way you live your life... you'll end up sad and broken.

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I'd give anything...

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"When you lose something you can't replace..."

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"When you love someone but it goes to waste..."

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I'll meet you up there somewhere at such great heights.

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Face it. We're better together.

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Reverent Worship

2008-09-14T19:00:00.000-07:00

My kitten has chicken legs.

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Ten days until I can see my summer family again.
I'm very excited. I love them and I've missed them so much.

I'm also very excited for our New York trip.

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Church this morning was really awesome. I wasn't feeling the greatest and I was pretty spacey during most of it, but there were two moments when I felt totally alive and totally in the presence of God.

The first was when I was playing bass... I haven't done it in almost three months and I forgot the passion I guess. Being able to praise God through the movement of my fingers and the feel of the music, the words that bring reverent worship to the One deserving of it.... it was a fantastic feeling.

The other was after Allison spoke her message. We sang a few songs that really expressed my gratitude towards Jesus.

Lord you are...
More precious then silver,
More costly then gold,
More beautiful then diamonds.
Nothing I desire, compares to you.

This one really was a testimony for me. All the things in the world that I cherish, none of them are anywhere near as important and magnificent as my Jesus. From material things to the different ways in which I love people... God is the only one that can fulfill me in every way.

I dunno, He's just so awesome and cool like that.

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Anyway... I have the most ginormous headache of all.

And the temperature is killing me... it is so unbelievably humid. I want it to rain.

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The 'Twilight' book is taking over my time. I'm so addicted to it, I can't put it down. I'm half way through it and with every page I turn I get a little upset because that's one page closer to the end.

Good thing there are 4 books in the series.

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My house almost burnt down last night at dinner. It's a funny story actually... I remembered it in church this morning and started laughing to myself.

My mom made fajita things and we were sitting around the table, just having a lovely dinner. Suddenly, mom jumped up and ran over to the oven... when she opened it I could see the flames, and they were getting bigger. Just as she opened the oven, my dad jumped up from his seat, literally threw Kerrie across the room so he could get there faster, yelled at someone to open the door so we all ran to different doors in the house. He was talking to me though, I was near the sliding door that leads to the backyard... I yelled "it's open!!" thinking he just wanted the glass part open to let the smoke out. I didn't know he was planning on bringing the flaming fajita outside, so he got made when I didn't open the screen too haha. Oh man, it was hilarious. I had to push Logan out of the way so I could get the door open and haha awe... good times.

We love fire.

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I was inspired to rearrange my bedroom yesterday... now it's somehow twice as big and way more tidy. I love it though, it's so cozy.

Some might say it's cluttered, but it's not really. I really like looking at things, and so I display everything from my jewelry to my scarves (using them as curtains, it's kinda cool). I also have a lot of photos - obviously - but not nearly enough paintings.

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I know you really were dying to know all that.

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Band practice tomorrow! I should go practice now...

Grande White Hot Chocolate w/ 1 Pump Raspberry (I love my Raspberry)

2008-09-12T22:25:00.000-07:00

When you love someone sometimes you've got to give them away.

For the betterment of their heart.

And yours.

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I had a lovely tea date with Chantal this evening :) Nice to chat with a great friend.

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Logan and I are going to watch the whole sixth season of 24 this weekend. It's so good so far! Really gory though, lots of attention to pain :S Logan and I squirm a lot.

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I went into the dark room and realized I could see my feet...

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The Twilight book IS good so far :( I was hoping to be different and totally dislike it, but no such luck. I thought about it all day at school haha. There's one character that is soo intriguing and I keep on reading because I want to get to know him better. I kind of wish I would meet someone like him. Handsome and mysterious.

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I'm actually going to go read it now.

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Tomorrow I am going to make a list of a bunch of things I want to accomplish by this time next September (who says New Year's Resolutions have to start on the first of January? Why not half way through September?)

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Sometimes I wonder why I blog... it's basically just me talking to myself virtually. I doubt people even read it on a regular basis, if ever.

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Guess it just makes me feel a little less lonely at times :)

Once. And Again Some Day?

2008-09-10T21:04:00.000-07:00

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

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I had a great day.
Classes went quickly, and still fairly simple.
I got eighty percent on my very first test of the year... that's pretty good, no?
After class I met up with Steve Vincent and we went for lunch at a hockey restaurant (he likes hockey haha) and I had a blast! We went through the massive list of all the people we have in common and talked about all the cool things about being a fireman (my personal favourite would be the calender.... haha), so that was cool.

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I think it's time for a mind sweep...
You know when you delete a bunch of stuff off your computer, but then you have to go in and do a final delete in the trash can? Well, I've deleted a lot of things from my life and made some hard decisions, but now I need to do the final "let go"... you know? It's so hard. I hold onto things for a really long time (too long... I'm still somehow holding onto things that happened in tenth grade).

People are important to me... very important to me.

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So it seems as though I am going to New York alone.... the rest of my team haven't sent in their applications yet.

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Tomorrow I get my first photo assignment!

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That's it... tomorrow I'm handing out twenty applications for work. No more of this waiting around for the good places... I need money!

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Song of Songs 8:4
I need to remember this one.
Maybe I'll tattoo it on my forearm...

Raindrops and Laptops

2008-09-09T09:40:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I'm too sensitive, or maybe it just meant more to me.

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It's 9:18 and I'm still in bed... I love my schedule.
No class until 1pm.... and then it's Post Production.... I love my schedule.

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Last night was the first practice for YP band :) I had so much fun! Kerrie and I rocked the 2nd Cornets section (yea, I don't get my own section yet... but just wait...). I was very surprised with how well I did actually. My sound wasn't too bad, and other then having to write the letters under the notes, I followed along and nailed a lot of it.

I think once you learn something, you never forget it... it just hides somewhere in your big head.

Like swimming maybe?

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Tonight is a surprise party for Bryan! He is leaving for 5 months to Spain in a couple of weeks, so that is sad and exciting all at once. It's being held at the Granger residence.... it's been awhile since I've been there. Used to go there a couple times a week. Haha... at least I won't have to clean it :P

<3

Speaking of Grangers.... I came back from the summer and Joel suddenly is bigger then me! I have to look up to him now. Guess the roles have reversed.... though I still hope he looks up to me. He is going to be as tall as James soon.

James hasn't changed a bit.

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But it's only been 2.5 months.

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I've been trying to pass the honours of Bass player over to Steve V. but he is trying to be polite and not take away my spot in the band.... well actually haha....

Maybe we can rotate... create some sort of organizational chart that shows Steve playing 4 times as much as me :D

I really just need to work as much as I can. I could probably do the Worship band thing if I didn't have to go to practices, but that's not fair to the band. If I don't have to work on Tuesday nights, then I'll do it.

I love Perry... I've hardly even talked (or played) with Perry since I've been home. Hope he's not too upset with me, or out of tune.

Maybe I could play my new diddy... "Home home on the Stage, I mean range..."

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In my camera/lighting class yesterday we got our 4x5 cameras.... six hundred pounds of thousands of dollars worth of equipment. Not a stressful class at all...

But it was so fun! It took Carter 3 hours to teach us how to use it and put it together. It's got the accordion body, you know? And the blanket that goes over your head and the shutter release cable. It's fantastic. I just hope I never have to take it on the bus....

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Awe my baby had such a rough morning today! Logan couldn't find money for her music class and then she was running late because Kerrie was going to write her a note, but then she couldn't find her agenda and ugh... my heart broke for the poor girl. She left in tears, running desperately to catch the bus.

For that reason, I wish I had a job and a car.

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Oooo I need to get on that... I really want to get my license soon. Add it to my list of 'have dones'

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If anyone wants family photos done in the fall... let me know!
Or the winter actually... I love LOVE winter photography...

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It annoys me when the phone rings when you're waiting for a job to call... and it's not them...

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I'm off!
Have a great day :)

Coconut Cream Pie

2008-09-07T22:09:00.000-07:00

Job hunting is a drag.

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So I joined the YP Band. I'm going to be in the CSB in no time.
Look out Flugal Hornists...

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I so badly don't want to work at Starbucks... but why does it seem that they're the only ones hiring?

I love my Grande Green Tea Lattes w/ 2 pumps raspberry and negative on the melon, but to have to make everyone's crazy creations... it's not my type of gig.

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How about Chapters though?

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I love the Ritz commercial. The cute little boy makes a trail with his Ritz crackers leading to the front door of the cute little blonde he likes. She opens the door and her jaw drops... it's adorable!

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I have my first studio class tomorrow! I cannot wait!

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I haven't been sleeping for so many nights in a row! Night time is when all my thoughts come out.... all the thoughts that I can distract myself from during the day. I'm hoping that reading my business book when I get into bed will put me to sleep haha

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My breathing is getting worse everyday... and I don't even have a blanket over my head.

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Zig-zag wallaby.

Scruffy With a Ball of Red Yarn

2008-09-05T16:21:00.000-07:00

You meet the most unique people at art school.

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Tonight I'm going to young adults group... kind of like youth group, but less drama. Can't wait to meet new people :)

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Last night I went to see Downhere play at the MET. It was pretty great. I chatted it up with Glen Lavender after the show and it was cool because he remembered my family from Kitchener. He is a great bass player and his band has great stage presence. So that was a good night :)

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I've had the acrylic craving for awhile now and I can't wait to whip out my paintbrushes when I get home tonight! Set up the ol easel and see what happens. I have so many ideas and luckily I have lots of canvas.

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My teacher actually does sound a little like Steve Carell. It's distracting.

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A new and improved (and actually including content) www.snapbird.ca is coming your way soon! Keep your eyes peeled for my online portfolio :) Also, SnapBird Photography will be up and running by the end of the month.

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Nikon D3 is my new dream.

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I can't wait... I have to start painting now!

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I'll be back later...

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9:44 p.m

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I'm back :D And I had a really great night! I met some really cool people at the young adults gathering (it was a mighty gathering). There were nine of us all together and they were all really awesome. A couple go to my school, so that was neat. We ate steak and peaches & ice cream, played Trivial Pursuit and Outburst, and jumped on the trampoline! It was fantastic! I can't wait to hang out with them again soon :) And the best part, some of them are coming to Woodroffe... wooohooo! Friends at church! :D

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Anyway, I have to go read my book now... I was hoping to paint, but I realized I have 30 pages of 'Interplay: The Process of Interpersonal Communication' - boring! What does that have to do with being a photographer? Haha actually, it has a lot to do with it, but still... that really puts me to sleep.

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Church carnival tomorrow! Should be a good time! Haha...

Two Shots of Decaf Espresso

2008-09-03T14:15:00.000-07:00

In my head!
I'd say it's irritating, but I like it so much.

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So I just had the "sooo... anyone knew and special in your life?" talk with the last "special" person I had in my life. He's got a new special person and that is fantastic, I'm actually really glad to hear it. I didn't have as exciting news to tell him unfortunately. But I've decided that being single is good for me right now. I need to focus on school and doing really well so I can do what I want with my life (Ryerson possibly?)... so I'm closing my eyes to the male species! Haha... well, I'm going to try anyway... it's hard not to smile when a sruffy guy walks by. I've seen some of what's out there anyway, and there is no way I'm settling for less...

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He'd have to be pretty great.

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I was talking to this guy in my class called Alex and realized I know nothing about photography haha... at least compared to Alex! He totally diagnosed this really seemingly simple photo and it sounded like he was speak a different language. He was talking about techniques I have never heard of. He knew so much and he said he will show me some sweet dark room stuff. He's really crazy and has bad language, but he sounds like he's super talented... I guess we'll see...

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Apparently the teacher I have tomorrow sounds like Steve Carell... I'm supposed to close my eyes and listen.

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I lost my Bible :( My heart is broken! It made it through the whole summer and somewhere on the last stretch it's disappeared. I really hope it's hiding somewhere in this house... it's my favourite.

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I get Photoshop CS3 in my course :)

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I have no final exams in my course :)

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Chocolate Beads

2008-09-02T20:46:00.000-07:00

First day of school was a breeze. Bowie talked at us for an hour, then we played two truths and a lie.... lemme tell ya, I was pro at that game...

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I made a friend, and I'd be cool with her being the only friend I make all year, because she's that nice. She's quiet and she has hair the colour of a full moon... bright burnt orange... all natural. Her name is Amelia and she laughs a lot.

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I'm home alone and somewhat feeling on the downside. I get lonely and daydream, not just about the summer, but before the summer too. And not just right before the summer, but this whole year. And before that too, in Edmonton. How did I get from there... the quiet rebellious Whyte Ave walker... to here... sitting on my bed, with my kittens, my fish and my bamboo sticks... daydreaming about flower petals and how I could have shot that frame better. I just wish I had a friend that I could pull out from under my bed whenever I want company.

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I wish I was Bret and I had a Jemaine. Will you be my Jemaine? Or would you rather be Bret?

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I'm excited to meet a New Yorker. Interested to know what their view on a Maple tree is... how many Maple trees do you think they have in New York? Now many trees do you think they have in New York?

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Did you know that by the time you reach the age of 71, if you are an average person, you will have spent roughly 10 full years infront of the television?

And did you know that every single day, your eyes are exposed to over 3000 advertisements! That's 3000 different views from other people, people who only care about making a dollar, telling you what you have to look like, what you have to wear, what you have to have. Something about that seems ill to me. What's wrong with second hand clothing? If it was good enough for the last person, it's good enough for me.

Same thing goes with make-up... it's just an excuse to look like someone else, look like something "better". Well who are you trying to impress? I rather look like the ugly duckling and have a really great guy fall in love with me for who I am, then have a really great guy fall in love with who he thinks I am... are you going to wake up every morning with make-up on your face? Are you going to be like Tobias and be a never-nude with your fake skin you paint on your face?! Make-up is not an art!

Sorry.

All I'm trying to get at is how unreal this world is becoming. We can't be real with others if we can't be real with ourselves. We can't be real with God if we can't be real with ourselves....

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I'm going to make some tea... with lots and lots of honey.

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Mon coeur c'est casse parce que tu n'pas ici avec moi maintenant.

Bamboo Tango

2008-09-01T22:02:00.000-07:00

I just had one of my mom's chocolate chip banana muffins... I missed them this summer.

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So my sister's 'boyfriend' came over for dinner... he's a nice guy so I can't really hold that against him. He's smart and has a good career, so I can't hold that against him. He's an active Christian AND Salvationist, so I can't hold that against him. And he's willing to drive the 5 hour drive just to get here to spend a few hours with her, so that is pretty awesome and I can't hold that against him. So basically, other then the age, the guy is great. Is the age a big enough deal to hold it against him? I really don't know :S

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I wish Colin and Justin would heist my home.

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Imagine an inverted world. Imagine suddenly all the colours in the whole world inverted, and their opposites took over. I wonder if that would be pretty or not. It would turn daytime into night and the oceans would turn orange. My eyes would be orange, if you had green eyes, they'd be red, if you had brown eyes... mmm. The trees would have red leaves and the clouds would be black! I think it would seem like a miserable place to live. The sun would be purple! It would be so trippy haha. Neato.

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Extreme Home Makeover has been on all day. It's such a ridiculous show. They build extravagant homes in shabby neighborhoods and for families that don't need as much space as they get. I just saw one with a mom and two sons and the house was HUGE! Like bigger then the Parliament buildings. Wouldn't people look at you differently? And wouldn't you suddenly start worrying about whether or not people are your friends for who you are or for your sudden wealth and popularity? I dunno, maybe I'm way off. I just think that building a mansion for a family that has a lot of medical concerns isn't the best use of money.

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I love spaghetti!

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Smells, sounds and certain colours or the way the sun shines, remind me of things that twist my heart a little. Like, the best memories are sparked by those things. A song just came on that I listened to once this summer and it was a really great moment that I somewhat forgot about. I won't tell you the song or the moment, but it was a really awesome moment that I'd love to have back. Mix that song with the way the moon shines or the way a tree is silhouetted by the setting sun and the memory is perfect, mixing a few of the best times together.

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You are my sweetest downfall.

Flippin The Pages

2008-08-31T20:07:00.000-07:00

The camera on my laptop obviously shoots the mirror image... so my text is backwards.... but it gets the point across I'm sure.

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I've been reading this book called 'Your Secrets Sleep With Me' and it's by a Toronto author named Darren O'Donnell. It's the most tripped out book I've ever read. It's taking me a long time too, because the content is somewhat disturbing at times. So why am I reading it you ask? Well, because it's interesting and forces me to pay attention to something. There are a bunch of characters, most of them are under the age of 16. They all live in Toronto and talk about the weirdest topics... topics that people of their age shouldn't even know about. But at the same time, their dialogue fits so well with who their characters are. Where they've grown up, the 'homes' they live in and the things their eyes have been exposed to... it's really uncomfortable and somewhat guilt-tripping. Maybe you should read it.

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I've also been reading 'Serve God Save The Planet' by J. Matthew Sleeth. This one is good too, but a completely different kind of read. It's on the green kick, but I really like it because it talks about going green from a Christian cleansing kind of way. It's more on saving yourself and the earth benefiting from it. Along with that, I'm also reading (I know, I have like 6 books on the go, but they're all different so it's easy to follow along.) 'Generation Green' by Linda Silvertsen and Tosh Silvertsen (Married? Brother and sister? Both female? I have no idea... that's just how their names are printed on the front) and this one is more from an environmentalist stand. I'm really intrigued by the 'Green' movement and totally want to jump on board. Easier said then done though...

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Confession time... I bought 'Twilight'... yup, that's right.... the vampire-esc new cult fav that everyone and their aunt is reading. Jenn and I bought it because we want to know what the hype is all about, but it's 498 pages (though really large print), and I'm not much into vampires. We'll see though. I'll give you a star rating if I ever finish. We'll see if Stephenie Meyer is actually on to something...

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My father and I are going to study Romans.
My mother and I are going to study Ezekiel.
Jenn and I are going to study Matthew - John.
After that I really want to study Acts, Job, Song of Songs, Psalms, Ecclesiastes, all those really tiny 2-pagers.... yea... I want to study it all. The whole Bible. But not just read it, really study it. Know it for more then just fancy words on a page. And I want to study it from all translations, including 'The Word on The Street' by Rob Lacey.

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On the bookshelf:
'Three Cups of Tea' by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin
'Jesus For Presedent' by Shane Claiborne (started it, but putting it on hold)
'The Shack' by William P. Young
'The Prayer Experiment' by Jay Dennis
'The Screwtape Letters' by C.S. Lewis
'A Novel' by Andy Warhol

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If you have any to recommend... please do :) Or, if you have any comments on any of the books above, please leave those too.

Absentminded Melody

2008-08-30T18:48:00.000-07:00

This is a blog post I wrote in August of 2007... I love it so much!

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"I honestly believe with every inch of my heart... that me and you are meant for amazing things."

I've lived the past five years in a haze... perhaps a Purple Haze, Jimi seems to sum it up perfectly. I wandered around in a fog, met incredible people who quite possibly I gave too much credit to, but still, I am Me because of who they were. Through the seasons I learned more about myself, what amazed me and filled my mind with excitement and anticipation. Weekend shows at tiny hall venues, crazy kids with black hair and metal studs on their homemade jackets. Their passion for the music created a passion inside of me that to this day I have troubles figuring out. Was it the fact that they didn't care, about anything or anyone, or that they just knew how to get the most out of the life they'd been given. Winter walks down an artists avenue. Beggars on the corner, some true, some not. Steam from my hot chocolate and seeing the breath of everyone walking by, this avenue created life, it inspired and pushed for something more. The obvious was hidden... life is about adventure, and I'm starting to see that. Back alleys filled our grey skies, the perfect days in our eyes. We knew there was something more, we felt it from the moment we met. To this day we know there is something else out there, something greater meant for our lives... we've come so far yet we can't believe that this is it. There's no way. Watching the river, the city continue to grow and live, sitting and wondering what this was all about, why, should this be it? No one ever met face to face with their dreams, sitting and wishing. The wind is something incredible, it does something deep inside your ear as it blows by. It's like a whisper telling you where it's been is not where it's going. Maybe we should listen more closely as the wind blows. Blank pages are filled with stories and the breeze fills you with anticipation to read on. For me, I've moved on to new pages, leaving all the rest to burn behind me and in me, but I've learned something. Life is about change, life is about dreams and finding out who you are. You will never know who you are, why things happen, why you meet certain people until your last breath, cuz at that point you've made it as far as you can, and you can look back at the person you've created yourself to be. My heart belongs to the idea of uncertainty and time and that no matter how much you long to know, you never will until you create it. You create your future just as much as you create your past. The here and now is all there is. The tomorrows and yesterdays are all just memories. I can't wait until the day I stand face to face with my Jesus and he tells me I've lived my life to the fullest and that I did an ok job. Until then, I'll just keep learning, wishing and following the wind.

Slow Like Honey

2008-08-29T21:49:00.000-07:00

Life doesn't always give you what you want... it usually gives you better.

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I was at the school today and came across two options for school ministry and Christian fellowship. That was exciting. I'm going to check them both out. One thing I was missing last year was the opportunity to minister to people that needed to hear about Jesus, and also being ministered to by enthusiastic Jesus freaks like Emily. I really want God to be the center of every one of my days... I know things will work out a lot better for me if I do everything based around Him.

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I remembered today that I will have a friend going to the same college as me... Steve Vincent! , He moved to Calgary last year and now has come out here again to go to Algonquin. So that's pretty sweet. It'll be nice to have a buddy at church and at school. Steve's cool :)

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Hahaha I went to get my student ID today and the picture they took of me is hilarious! Not only does my head look super small and my body super big, but it's so dark that you have to really look at it to see anything. They literally sat me under a stairwell. As a photography student I felt like I should say something, but I didn't. So now I have a really funny student ID. I also got my bus ID which isn't much better, but at least you can see me.

I realized how patient I've become over this summer... we waited in line forEVER to get my bus ID, but I was calm the whole time haha

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"How could, anybody, deny you"

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I feel like I have a big burst of potential inside of me and sitting here right now is killing me. There are so many things I want to do...
I want to travel the world finding the prettiest places on earth.
I want to paint a masterpiece and display it in a foreign art gallery.
I want to go to a giant concert and dance till my feet cry.
I want to swing so high at the park that I can touch the clouds.
I want to meet a new person right now.
I want to tell everyone I know, exactly what I think of them... whether it be good or bad.
I want to braid the longest rope and wrap it around the moon so I can climb up and watch the world from a birds-eye view.
I want to challenge you to a chocolate milk drinking contest.
I want to listen to the full Elvis Presley discography - backwards.
I want to drink a whole pot of tea with a bee and his honey.
I want to shoot the next controversial image on the cover of National Geographic.
I want to write a song and I want it to be sung by Chris Martin.
I want to read the entire encyclopedia of Photography.
I want to tell you that you belong with me, not swallowed in the sea.
I want to say something that will change the course of history.
I want to say something that will change the course of your history.
I want to step on all the lines on the sidewalk.
I want to eat Fiona's Apple.

---

I suppose I should stop wanting and appreciate the moment.

---

Perhaps you should listen to Fiona Apple though... she reminds me of happiness and great summer memories...

---

Lights Will Guide You Home

2008-08-28T14:31:00.000-07:00

So now I'm home. The summer of fun freedom is over and real life starts all over again. This time I'm starting with a different outlook though. I've made some big decisions, set my heart on big things and learned that life doesn't always give you what you think you want.

Life is full of surprises.

---

I'm sleeping on a small patch of carpet on my bedroom floor tonight... well, at least that was the plan. It's 1:55 and I have yet to fall asleep. I'm in the process of moving back in, and it seems I've accumulated a lot of stuff over the summer.

---

I'm excited to meet new people and make even more new friends once school starts. I love meeting new people and I think my shy-syndrome has become less paralyzing this summer. The fun thing about going to school for photography is that the majority of the friends I will make will also really love photography - and there aren't too many things more attractive then a boy with a camera ;) So for those reasons I am very excited to get going. But seriously though, it is going to be so nice to be able to talk 'camera' for once. And to be able to spend time with people that appreciate the beauty in small things.

---

I'm getting serious about Snapbird too. My dad hates that name, but I really like it. Snapbird Photography... yay, nay? I'm going to register my name soon and get a business number and start up my portable studio.

---

My brother is the coolest.

---

Ever do something you wish you could reverse? Sometimes results turn out better in my head then they do in real life. But you live and learn, right? I know what not to do again...

---

I'm so tired, but I can't concentrate on sleep! I want my bed so bad, but I accidentally covered it in... everything... and now there's no room for me. I have Coldplay stuck in my head, Serena fell asleep on me and my new Mac is so fascinating (and expensive... a thousand dollars more expensive then I was planning on actually). I miss Emily next to me at night and always, Will making me laugh, and well, Cameron just being Cameron. I really want to go back to Picton... that one day... you know, the really good one when it seemed like we were the only ones left on earth.

---

... I was swinging with Logan today and she inspired me so many times. She's the wisest eleven year old I know. I wish I could be more like her...

---

I'm going to go watch an episode of 'Flight of The Conchords' ... I bought that, season 2 of 'Arrested Development' (they didn't have season 1 in my price range) ooo and season 6 of '24'! I'm excited for that. I also bought 'Once'....

---

Enough chatter... this wasn't inspirational at all.

A Message

2008-08-09T22:25:00.000-07:00

My song is love
Love to the loveless, shown
And it goes up
You don't have to be alone

Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And its so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own

And I'm not gonna take it back
Well I'm not gonna say I don't mean that
Your the target that I'm aiming at
And I get that message home

My song is love
My song is love, unknown
And I'm on fire for you, clearly
You don't have to be alone
You don't have to be on your own

And I'm not gonna take it back
And I'm not gonna say I don't mean that
Your the target that I'm aiming at
But I'm nothing on my own
Got to get that message home

And I'm not gonna stand and wait
Not gonna leave it until its much too late
On a platform I'm gonna stand and say
That I'm nothing on my own
And I love you, please come home

My song is love, is love unknown
And I've got to get that message home

Coldplay - 'X&Y'

Runnin Through My Head

2008-08-08T23:01:00.000-07:00

Wow... the summer is almost over!! Just a couple more weeks and then I'm headed back to Ottawa. I think I'm going to feel holy/holey when I get back...

Holy: The Lord has really changed my life around since the beginning of my summer adventures. He's helped me really become myself and realize my potential. I have a new outlook on life, have some totally rad plans for my future and he's put the coolest friends in my life that influence me all in the right ways.

Holey: I've been feeling homesick a lot of the summer... but I know that I'm going to feel homesick for Emily and Serena, Cameron and Will once I get back home. Ugh! They are just the COOLEST! I so love them :D I can't get enough of them.

---

This is really the first time that I've felt like I've had ultimate privacy since the summer started. I've got Capstone in my ears playing a wonderful Step By Step/I'll Do My Best medley, the lights are perfectly dimmed and there's a sweet ambiance that clearly reveals God in the room.

"God you are my God,
And I will ever praise you."

---

I've decided to give the '365: A Year of Total Surrender' another try. I'm going to revise and start over... I put too many pressures on myself this past year that ended up in rebellion against myself and God. A big part in becoming one with Christ is also becoming one with myself.

1. Watching who I spend all my time with - who is feeding my crave?
2. Paying more attention to how I treat my body - not only being careful what I put into my body, but also what I let touch my body... or whom.
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" SS 8:4
3. Dive into the Word!! - The Bible is so jam packed with greatness.... I neeeeed to delve into it more and pick it apart until the pages are crammed with notes of revelation and truth.... and then start over and pick it apart through different, more experienced eyes
4. "Lift You high, bow down low" - I need to lift God above all the wants and desires of my heart. From tithing to casting my burdens.
5. Get more involved in the ministry... this summer has reignited my passion for the Fight. I can't keep sitting around and wasting time... God didn't call me to be a freelancing photographer... I'm workin for Him :)
6. Morning devos AND evening devos - take that for dedication :P Seriously though, filling my mind with peace before I begin my day and ending my day with peace before I sleep... it will really help me to Cleanse...
7. Weekly devotion with a friend... having a friend to study with will totally widen my experience

---

I'm seriously considering transferring to Ryerson University in the big city of Toronto.... see how much I've grown? I always said I would NEVER live in TO... and I always said I'd NEVER go to University.... I'm learning not to sell myself short :) I can do it!

---

I can't wait to put my new portfolio together :) I've taken a lot of really great shots this summer and I know it's going to be super strong. I've had lots of great inspiration, opportunities and models haha

Photography is so... so.... photography is so _______! I can't even explain how much I love it.

---

"We live in a beautiful world"

Revolutionary

2008-07-12T15:59:00.000-07:00

This summer is so awesome! I'm having a blast with my new 'job'... traveling around with 4 great friends doing VBS with great kids and spreading great news about Jesus... the great! Sweet eh? We've only been going for 2.5 weeks, but it's been the best 2.5 weeks I've had in a really long time! It's really the best experience ever.

And it's a summer of revolutions. I've been canoeing, I've learned out to swim, I've stepped out of my comfort zone and made some everlasting friendships (I know this already) and I'm beginning the journey of becoming my own person... and loving who I am. I have a long list of things I still need to do, for example... trying a candy apple (never done before) and listening to an artists full discography. The list goes on and Emily is my co-pilot for it all. I love her!

Emily (Skip Trueheart) is so crazy!! She's our prayer warrior... totally devoted 600% to the Lord and preaching his name at every street corner. She's got spunk and an attitude that I love. She's smart, beautiful and my personal model. To Heaven and beyond!!!!

Cameron (William) is organized yet spontaneous. He's funny and a total God man. His taste in music makes me drool (not really... well yea... really) and he's super talented. He leads our group without seeming like a leader and he looks good in glasses. I'm so stoked that he's on this team. Most confused frog, I mean turtle, I mean...

Serena (Flora Rose)... where to begin haha (:P) She is the funniest person I think I have ever met in my life. And she is a totally skilled harmonizing singer. She accents Cameron's music beautifully and she's a joy to listen to. She is also full of Jesus-ness and it shows in everything she does. She's a mentor and a super great sista. Prettiest princess around...

William!! Mr. Currie! (Capt. Blackbird) Drummer extraordinaire!. I'd say he's the quirky one of the group... in a good way! He's great with action songs and dancing and makes up some pretty rad games. He's famous too (I'm popular cuz I know him). He relates perfectly to the kids and has a huge Godly impact on them while they throw water sponges at each other. Shifty-est pirate ever recorded in history...

So that's them! I love them all so much! I wouldn't change any member of the team because we all fit so well together. I relate to each one for different reasons and they've really turned into my family away from home. And the coolest thing about that, is that it's only been 2.5 weeks and we're already so close.

This summer and forever... will rock :D

Monday Night

2008-06-09T18:25:00.000-07:00

Being alive is hard.
Being alive and being real is sometimes impossible.

---

Philippians 4:8
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things."

---

Isaiah 45:5
"...I have equipped you for battle..."

---

Seems like I sometimes fall faster then I can pick myself up.

---

The Lord is insane in his faithfulness.
I'm glad my Lord is determined.
And I'm so thankful he has the gift of patience.

Long Time Sun

2008-06-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

I have a strange feeling in my heart today. Been weirdly emotional and cried for a bit. Not exactly sure what's on my mind, but I think it's unsure feelings of the future mixed with somewhat painful feelings of the past. Been pretty out of it lately, and I've really really been trying to feel God and see Him working in my life, and I do at times, but I don't think as much as I need... or something like that. I just feel like I miss Him, but I know he's right here with me.

Maybe I just need to stop thinking all together and listen... easier said then done.

I think I'm going to watch some Planet Earth or Blue Planet, drink tea and appreciate the real things in life... the things God created for us to enjoy. And I'm not going to think or worry or ponder anymore! At least for a little while anyway...

i carry your heart with me

2008-06-01T15:57:00.000-07:00

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go,my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

Jasmine

2008-05-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

Jesus said to him, "I tell you, not just 7 times, but 7*70 times!"

---

(But there's a full moon risin'
Let's go dancin' in the light
We know where the music's playin'
Let's go out and feel the night)

---

I bought new hand sanitizer, and I think it burns my skin.

---

I have the day off tomorrow :) Yay!
I'm going to sleep in until 9, make breakfast... scrambled cheesy eggs and toast... watch my favourite Wednesday morning show... Survivorman!... then head out and see some friends. Then I'll come home, finish cleaning my room (yea right), and then try and create a masterpiece on my new canvas... 12''x36''.
Sounds like a great day!

---

I feel like going to Toronto.

---

Picasso, my fish... stares at me funny.

---

I love Lifehouse. There's something relaxing yet upbeat and energetic about their music. I find they fit with any of my moods.... whether I'm reflecting and having some Jesus time, or cleaning my room and dancing around with my cat... they just fit and I love it.

---

Deadliest Catch is a great show.

---

Telus commercials are genius.

---

Cellphones create more problems then they solve.

---

The cat is calling me to bed... so I should go...

Feels Like Summertime

2008-05-26T15:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've blogged. Not sure what happened there... just forgot about it I guess. There's only 98 days until the end of 365. Crazy to think how fast the time has flown... I've lived in Ottawa for almost a whole year now. And it's been a pretty intense year....

---

I've had a lot of ups and downs over the past couple of months. September to November went pretty well, but sometime after that, life started resembling a roller coaster ride. Up and down and totally unpredictable. Right now, things are pretty good. God is showing himself to me in crazy ways and my faith is climbing to a high again. He really is an amazing and faithful God.

---

I took a 7 hour bus ride to Kitchener last Sunday so I could spend the week with my best friend Jenn who was getting married this weekend. I was totally nervous to take the bus and transfer in Toronto because I'd never done that before and I didn't know how the system worked or where to go.... but God came through for me. I was sitting at the Ottawa terminal, waiting for the bus and trying to calm my nerves, when Dorothy came along. Cute little old lady started chattin it up with me and showed me the postcards she just bought in Nova Scotia. Her company brought a slight peace to my nerves and we chatted about all kinds of things.... all the way to Toronto. I'll admit, she did talk a little too much, but it's ok, she was cute haha. When we got to Toronto, she showed me where to go and bought me a sandwich because they didn't take debit and that was all I had. Then we parted ways and I made it to Kitchener safe and sound.

---

If God didn't send Dorothy, I would have gotten totally lost and freaked out the entire time... and, I would have gone hungry.

---

The Lord provideth because I stinketh.

---

(We are all like Lazarus in one way or another...)

---

The wedding was beautiful. Jenn was the prettiest bride I've ever seen and I was so proud to stand in their wedding. Jenn and Shawn are going to be happy for a long long time. :)

---

OOooOoo and I got a super rad summer job that I can't wait to start. Kids bring out the best in me and I'm very excited to hang out with the other team members. God is cool in providing such an awesome job that suits me completely.

---

School starts in September... finally get back to studying and labs! I love labs! And photography labs will rock! Photography 24-7.... best life ever :)

---

I thank God for true friendships that last forever, even if a disconnection due to distance happens for awhile. I'm glad he brought us back together :)

---

Tea flowers are pretty.

---

I love you Daddy <3

James 1:12

2008-03-25T15:28:00.001-07:00

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

Here Am I, I Am Yours, Send Me

2008-03-16T06:21:00.000-07:00

"Pierced"

[chorus]
Make me, take me, break me, I am pierced
Make me, take me, break me, I am pierced

Though I am wounded and unworthy
Though I am selfish and untrue
You are holy, You're the healer
You forgave me and made me new
Made me new

[chorus]

Oh, this love, how can it be
That my God would die for me
For my sins, His wounds did bleed
Jesus, you were pierced for me

[chorus x3]

"Strong"

I will follow wherever you lead me
Wherever you are underneith these stars is where I wanna be
And I will lay it down, this old life of mine
I leave behind all the things of the world just to follow you

I'll be strong and courageous
I'll live my life for You, my only King
'cause You're my God through all the ages
Here am I, I am Yours, send me

When I fall down and I'm broken
When I strumble on the rocks and lose my way
I will cling to Your eternal love
When I'm weak You come to me, You give me strength

[chorus]

I will follow wherever you lead me
Wherever you are underneith these stars is where I want to be

[chorus x2]

Here am I, I am yours, send me
Here am I, I am yours, send me

SHUT UP! and listen.

2008-03-03T16:52:00.000-08:00

I've been talking so loud and so much, that I can't hear what God is speaking to me.

However, I've been having these dreams, and I believe God may be telling me something important.... he has definitely caught my attention.

Fishy.

Literally.

I've been having dreams that I've been filling my fish tank with really pretty fish of all different sorts.

If I have this dream again, then I'll really be suspicious of God's possible messages to me about fish.

I need to stop talking. I find that the more I talk about my problems, and the more opinions and thoughts I get from different people, the more I get confused on what I need to be hearing, who I should be listening to, and what the answers are.

And only God knows... so why am I crowding my mind with everyone else's 2 cents?

(I've always known, He's in my heart, I'm not alone)

(Speak to me, tell me all the things I need to know, I want to hear you now. Make your wisdom clear, the words I hold so dear. Bring light into my dark.)

I decided to buy the NIV in mp3 style so I can listen to God's word while I follow along in my Bible. It's actually super neat... they use different voices for each character, which makes it easier to follow along and get a hold on the stories. I'd like to finish by the summer time...

... funny, I remember saying that last year when I tried this. I started around the same time, and my goal was to finish by the summer. Hmm... I'm determined to actually do it this time.

I need to do it. I need to hear God's word. I need to be connected more securely with my Jesus.

(Shaken like a leaf. Afraid to life my eyes. Afraid of all Your glory. Ashamed of all my pride. Then you call me in. To your holy place. I fall down. Down on my face. And I beckon you for mercy. I beckon you to forget everything that I've ever done. And I, I... I tremble. And I, I... I tremble. I am just a man, showered in your grace. You're the holy God. Your glory fills this place. And I beckon you for mercy. And I beckon you to forget everything that I've ever done. And I, I... I tremble. And I, I... I tremble.)

I'm 20 now. Weird eh? Still not sure how I feel about that. I suppose I shouldn't think about it as much as I have been, but for some reason it's a big thing for me. I have a bunch of dreams though, and being 20 makes them seem closer to reality. For instance, being 20, starting my own business seems like a breeze... I'm old enough to handle it. I'm really excited about it too. Having my own company... my own photo studio :D How cool eh? Snapbird Photography. It's super sweet.

OoOOo I got a new bass guitar. Now I'm really super excited to get really good at playing it... you know, I have to be as rad as my bass right? Haha. I named him Perry... he's periwinkle! He's perfect :)

I <3 Audio Adrenaline.

Man of God - Audio Adrenaline

2008-03-03T16:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I'm a liar sometimes I'm a fake
sometimes I'm a hypocrite that everybody hates
sometimes I'm a poet sometimes I'm a preacher
sometimes I watch life go by sitting on the bleacher

But I've never been left alone
in any problem that I've known
even though I'm to blame
there were times when things were dark
and I've been known to miss the mark
but someone fixed my aim

Sometimes I'm a man of God
sometimes I'm alright
sometimes I lay down close my eyes
and pray to God

Sometimes I don't feel good
it's hard to start the day
it's hard to climb the obstacles
that sometimes come my way
if I make it, I'm a good man
am I a bad man if I fail?
I know I'm never good enough
so I let grace prevail

But I've never been left alone
in any problem that I've known
even though I'm to blame
there were times when things were dark
and I've been known to miss the mark
but someone fixed my aim

Sometimes I'm a man of God
sometimes I'm alright
sometimes I lay down close my eyes
and pray to God I'm ready for the night

Perspective

2008-02-06T10:13:00.001-08:00

I was in the grocery store today, on the second level. And as I looked down over the railing, I could see the whole store and everything going on. It all made sense, it was organized. I could see where things needed to be improved and where things were working really well. I could see where something was about to go wrong and where things were being cleaned up. I had a clear perspective on everything going on. Then I went down to the main level and started trying to find what I had come for. Suddenly, everything was confusing and noisy and I had to look everywhere for what I needed. Sure, there were signs to help me find my way around, but there was lots of people and lots of chaos. Aisles being cleaned up, people helping people while others created troubles. Suddenly, my perspective on the big picture changed and I was in it. I could only see bits and pieces at a time and it seemed somewhat hopeless.

---

Life is like the grocery store. We run around through the aisles, trying to find what we're looking for. We run into problems created by other people and by ourselves. We get help along the way from caring people and the signs set out before us. It seems somewhat hopeless at times. But God is on the second floor. He sees everything going on. He knows what's in our path ahead of us and watches as we journey along. He sets out signs and helpful people for us to use. If we just stop for a moment and look up, God will point us in the right direction. He will show us what aisle holds what we need and how to get around the bumps in the road. All we need is the faith to look up and see Him standing there, waiting to help us.

---

This really spoke to me, as I'm in a spot right now where I need to stop, calm down, and look up to Jesus. I need to have faith that God is in control and knows where I am going. He knows the paths I'm going to take, knows where I'll need help and where I'll be able to make it on my own. I need to call on Him and really listen for what He has to speak to me.

Bracelets

2008-02-04T16:23:00.000-08:00

I'm not over it yet. I lost myself and I can't seem to rebuild things the way they used to be. Change is good, yes, but completely ridding yourself of everything you used to be? Maybe the hole isn't telling me to get closer to God, but to get closer with myself.

---

I miss my passions.

---

In Loving Memory of my Grandad

2008-01-21T14:24:00.000-08:00

"Beautiful Isle of Somewhere"

---

Somewhere the sun is shining

Somewhere the songbirds dwell

Hush then thy sad repining

God lives and all is well

---

Somewhere somewhere

Beautiful isle of Somewhere

Land of the true where we live anew

Beautiful isle of somewhere

---

Somewhere the day is longer
Somewhere the task is done
Somewhere the heart is stronger
Somewhere the guerdon won

---

Somewhere the load is lifted
Close by an open gate
Somewhere the clouds are rifted
Somewhere the angels wait

PURITY

2008-01-13T17:53:00.000-08:00

1. The condition or quality of being pure; freedom from anything that debases, contaminates, pollutes, etc.
2. Freedom from guilt or evil; innocence
3. Physical chastity; virginity
4. Purity of expression
5. Cleanness or spotless, as of garments

---

Abstinence:
This doesn't mean: dissipation, excess, indulgence, self-indulgence

Clarity:
This doesn't mean: distortion, fog, fuzziness, haze, obscurity

Holiness:
This does mean: devotion, devoutness, diviness, divinity, faith, godliness, grace, humility, piety, reverence, rightousness, sacredness, sanctity

---

Capture my heart again, in the arms of your grace, Oh God.

---

Create in me a clean heart, Oh God

And renew a right spirit within me.

---

1. Learn new ways to worship

2. Realize that everything I do should be a form of worship

3. Learn to turn to God instead of away from God during rough and stressful times

4. Create a devoted daily devotional

5. Cleanse

---

Ultimate Goal:

"PURITY"

- a pure heart

- a pure mind

- a pure spirit

- a pure body

---

I've thought about some things that I feel are important for me to study and apply to my life, while tieing them in with being pure.

- assurance

- health

- patience

- choices

- honesty

- promises

- contentment

- laziness

- rest

- direction

- love

- self-image

- discipline

- materialism

- singleness

- fear

- motives

- stress

- freedom

- obedience

- temptation

---

My plan is to study each word for a week and learn to apply it to my life in a holy and pure way. There are so many aspects of life that create who we are. I want to be completely purified, I want to be more like Jesus. Through my studies, I am going to look at how Jesus dealt with each and try my best to follow His example. I'm going begin with "Obedience".

---

My back has been giving me troubles. I've been in a lot of pain over these last few weeks. I went to the doctor and she told me that I need to de-stress. You know, its kind of funny. The pain in my back brings me to my knees. It's heavy you know? It's like God is telling me, give me your burdens Love, I'll take care of it... all you have to do is let me carry the cross... and I'll save you. I'll make you better and I'll give you a fresh start.

---

Only God can Purify me.

And so I'm giving it all to Him right now.

---

My Jesus, take my pains and my burdens.

Create in me a clean heart,

renew a Right spirit within me.

I will you seek You in the morning

and I will learn to walk in Your ways.

My heart is Yours forever.

Take it and break it and make it new.

I give it all over to You,

Cleanse me and purify me, Oh God.

Help me learn to trust in You completely and not try to figure out everything myself.

You are my rock.

Be the cornerstone on which I build my life.

I love You forever!

I love You with everything I have!

Thank you Jesus

for loving me too!

And not giving up on me.

We can do this.

We are undefeatable!

Amen

---

2 Corinthians 6:11

We prove ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, by the Holy Spirit within us, and by our sincere love.

Ambience

2008-01-02T17:01:00.000-08:00

---

Rolling river God

Little stones are smooth

Only once the water passes through

So I am a stone

Rough and grainy still

Trying to reconcile this rivers chill

But when I close my eyes

And feel you rushing by

I know that time brings change

And change takes time

And when the sunset comes

My prayer would be just one

That you might pick me up

And notice that I am

Just a little smoother

In your hand.

Sometimes swollen high

Sometimes raging wild

But never have I ever known

This river dry

The deepest part of you

Is where I long to stay

To feel the sharpest edges

Wash away

But when I close my eyes

And feel you rushing by

I know that time brings change

And change takes time

But when the sunset comes

My prayer would be just one

That you might pick me up

And notice that I am

Just a little smoother

In your hand

---

Daisies of The Galaxy

2008-01-01T16:40:00.000-08:00

I've got it all figured out.

---

In September I'm going to go to Fanshawe College and take Photography for 2 years (or 3, depending on if I need to take the Advanced course too). Fanshawe is in London Ontario. Pretty city. Once I'm done my 2 years there, I'm going to apply at Griffith University in Queensland Australia for their Bachelor of Photography program. That will take 3 years. When I am done that, I will either stay in Australia and find work, travel to another country and find work, or come back to Canada and set up a studio.

---

It's been my dream to go to Australia for so long, and I discovered that if I take the program at Fanshawe then there is a really good chance of me getting in at Griffith University. And how much sweeter would it be to have a Bachelor of Photography over just a certificate or Diploma. I'm going to major in photojournalism, so I have a better chance of fulfilling my dream of shooting for National Geographic. I also want to do my own documentary shooting. The world is just so amazing.

---

And I find I get sick of the same scene after too long... especially when the expiry date is long since past.

---

Did you know that if things seem too good to be true... then they probably are?

---

I love the Eels.

---

I love honesty.

---

The list I made for what I look for in a guy......... goes for my friends too.

---

I have this buddy... oh man he is the coolest! He bought me a web domain so I can start up my photography website! How cool eh? What a totally thoughtful guy. More people need to be like him. In a few days I'll post the site link!

---

Life is the funniest thing ever. We all just need to get over it.

How Could It Be Any Better Then This?

2007-12-29T09:16:00.000-08:00

I've prayed for a thousand years. And for a thousand years I've waited and listened. Now I pray that for another thousand years, until he says it is time, I will have the patience and faith to wait.

---

I forget sometimes that God can do whatever he wants. I also forget that he knows my heart better then I do. With that in mind, I'm bound to end up happy, right?

---

You are the light that's leading me.

To the place, where I find peace.

248:117

2007-12-28T12:50:00.000-08:00

Create in me a clean heart oh God,
And renew a right spirit within me.
Create in me a clean heart oh God,
And renew a right spirit within me.

And cast me not away from
Thy presence oh Lord,
And take not Thy Holy Spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation,
And renew a right spirit within me.

---

You are my strength when I am weak

You are the treasure that I seek

You are my All in All.

---

God, I pray that you guide our hearts and please take over control.

---

I've fallen away. The passion in me has faded and my heart has lost its way. Sometimes life gets crowded and for some reason God is the easiest to push away or forget about. I don't want it to be like that. I want God with me at all times.

---

I've realized why it was so important and crucial for me to make the pact with myself not to date until 365 finishes. And I haven't even started dating, but just the complicated feelings that come along with having really strong feelings for someone.... once their heart is in it, it's not just your own you have to worry about. And now I am worried. I am so worried. Things so far haven't turned out the way I had them turn out in my mind. And it's not his fault at all. He just sits their, minding his own business, his heart all out on his sleeve and I come along, all tainted and messed up and take it? What kind of person does that? No, it's really not that bad, but I do feel scared that I'm going to hurt him. It's too late to pretend nothing was said, but I know it can't go on. I pray God, that you bless with me with more patience.

---

Do you ever feel like running away? I do. I want to run away, just long enough to figure stuff out. They say you should never run away from your problems, but it would be a whole lot easier then trying to figure them out while still dealing with them. There's a lot of stuff going through my mind. Where do I want to be at the end of 365?

---

Spread wide in the arms of Christ there's a love that covers sin

No greater love have I ever known;

You considered me a friend

Capture my heart again

---

[I'll] be the dreamer of your dreams.

Polaroid... You're My Bright Eyes

2007-12-15T15:46:00.000-08:00

I love the feeling of contentment. A lot of the time I have to really relax and think about all the positive things in my life to feel content, but when I do, it's so peaceful. I get overwhelmed with happiness and excitement and I thank God for his generosity. He really is a generous and thoughtful God.
---
Sometimes in life, things makes no sense until you try to look at it through God's eyes. When you look at the big picture, all the little what if's and maybe's disappear. I like that.
---
Do you find I talk in riddles all the time? Hahaha I'm being open, but perhaps not open enough.

---

Edmonton is such a beautiful city, no? Look at it... it's incredible. Wow I miss it so much. I'm afraid that if I ever go back for a visit, I'll end up staying there haha so I guess a visit is out of the question. It's a good city, but there's a long list of reasons why it would be a bad idea to move back. I miss the giant sky and the late sunset, the river valley and skyline.

---

Laura will be here in 4 hours!! I am so excited! And Andrew is coming tomorrow! Life is good.

Dreamer

2007-12-14T15:28:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, you say something that you mean one way, and it gets twisted and comes back and hits you in the face. Watch what you say to certain people and don't trust just anyone.
---
Sometimes, there's something you really want to say, but don't, because it's complicated, but then you end up getting hit in the face because you're misunderstood. Say what you need to and choose who you care more about getting hit in the face by.
---
Sometimes, there's something you really want to say, and you say it, and it turns out great and you realize, getting hit in the face sometimes pays off.

---

"True love is when you admire someone even during their most immature moments."

-Anon

---

Every passing second it gets stronger.

---

You know, God's love is so deep. It's like.... the most beautiful thing you can think of, but a million times more beautiful. It's like.... the most peaceful moment you've ever felt, but infinitely longer. It's impossible to explain, impossible to fathom, and impossible to measure. Because God loves me, I can love. And because I love God, I can see the love of God showing through in the love that I feel for the ones I love.

---

I am so in love. With people. It's so deep and passionate. I want to love people with God's love so that they can know God's love like I know it and so they can love other people with God's love.

---

Heaven. Fur Elise.

---

I love Chantal Granger.

I Know It Ain't Easy

2007-12-10T12:49:00.000-08:00

God creates us all good looking in our own way. But what does that mean exactly? What way am I good looking? What way am I good looking that the other, better looking girl isn't? Or should I say it this way... what makes her better looking?

---

I try not to let this bother me. But some things just do, you know?

---

I've decided to start writing again. A story. In the form of a movie. A script. And I'm going to finish it this time, and maybe someday, go back to my original dream of being a filmographer, and make it.

---

There's so many things that I want to do. Why can't I do them all? I'm going to.

---

I think I lost a bunch of myself on the truck. Not just stuff, you know, but identity and self knowledge. I feel like my brain was wiped out with the accident. Amnesia? I've been listening to my hippie tunes, Mamas and Papas, Velvet Underground, Jimi.... and I started to remember how I enjoy that music and the times. I've had my incense burning and I've remembered that I like the smell of hemp and grass and art. It makes me sound silly, but it's true. Where have I been? Why don't I write, draw, go picture walking, make things.... I've been too busy... trying to figure out what it is that I like to do, that I haven't had time to... do it??? I don't know. I make no sense. I need to think about it more.

---

Basically..... there's more to me then you know.

---

Do you want to take my picture.... cuz I won't remember....

---

The List

-Honesty (He has to tell me how it is, straight up - no games)

-Jesus lover (Be as in love with Jesus as I am... be willing to let God be the most important part of our relationship)

-Integrity (Very important to me. The most important thing my father taught me)

-Funny (I want to be able to still laugh even when the times are rocky)

-Spontaneous and Adventurous (Want every moment to count)

-Abstinence (I'm not willing to compromise with this one (or any for that matter... I don't care what anyone says)...)

---

Fil is coming on Friday... I can't wait :)
Andrew is coming on Sunday... I can't wait :)

---

Ahh... my emotions suck man. I hate how I don't understand them.

---

I'm going out for coffee avec mon pére. Maybe he will enlighten me on my feelings towards... everything. Ugh. I just wish Fil and Andrew were here now! And Alex and Michael. And Mudd.

God of Mercy and Grace: CRAVE

2007-11-19T07:03:00.000-08:00

It is you, we adore.
It is you, praises are for.
Only you, the heavens declare.
It is you. It is you.
Holy Holy is our God almighty!
Holy Holy is His name alone!

---

I'm starting my own little Bible study with myself. I'm using a dvd series called

CRAVE

that talks about:

craving INTIMACY,

craving DESTINY,

and craving MEANING.

---

I'm also going to read

C.S. Lewis' book 'Four Loves'

which talks about the four different types of love that all humans feel:

Affection

Friendship

Eros

Charity

---

I need to know the difference, so I can better understand why I have certain feelings towards certain people. Love is such a deep and meaningful feeling.... which only makes sense. God is Love. God is complex and above all else. As is love above all other feeling. "...the greatest of these is Love." 1 Corinthians 13:13. By understanding the differences in these types of love, I can see how God fits in with everything I do love. I can see where maybe I love too much and God is put second, and I can see where I don't love enough and God needs to be lifted higher. I can hopefully also understand some of my relationships with people more clearly.

---

(I attempted to read it once before, but got too busy to finish. I'm more determined this time though, C.S. Lewis isn't easy to read.)

---

And along with that I'm also going to work through my devotional book:

"the one year Through the Bible"

This will take me deeper into God's word and help me understand what He is speaking to me.

---

God's language:

The way I see it is, God is the almighty. He created the Heavens and the Earth and he created everything on the earth. He created humans and he created them all different, but in His image. He gave different cultures different languages. We have to learn these languages in order to communicate properly with the people of those cultures, so we study. We invest our time in getting to know the culture and all the different parts of speaking in that language.

And so it is with God.

God has his own language. His language is Holy and Just and we need to learn to communicate with Him. By reading and studying the Bible and by constantly practicing what we've learned and by speaking to God, the better we will get at it and the more we will understand. The Bible is our text book and prayer is our test. We should be spending more time learning and yearning to know, because God's language is the most important language you can learn. We need to better our communication with our Lord.

290

2007-11-15T16:34:00.000-08:00

The thing I love most about God is that he answers my prayers all the time. Especially now, now that we have a better connection and understanding and relationship. All I have to do is pour my heart out to Him and he provides me with what I need, exactly when I need it.

---

The more I pray and the more I read my Bible and work towards being more like Jesus, the less static there is in our communication.

---

I've been stressed out about a few things over these past 75 days, but by asking God to help me with them, I've overcome and learned from them. It's such a comfort to know that I don't really need to worry about anything, because time and control is in God's hands. He knows what's best even when I'm convinced I'm the one who's right. And in knowing that God loves me and is taking care of me gives me so much hope for the things I'm passionate about. The things that I really really want, God will either provide for me, or provide something even greater for me.

---

I've been sick for a month now. On and off, but a constant feeling of less then 100 percent. I think part of it was stress over not knowing what was going on in my head, and that caused me to lose sleep. I have this weird habit (?) where I push stuff out of my mind that is bothering me because I rather not think about it, and then it all builds up and explodes when everything is quiet. And when one big thing is bothering me, it makes all the little things seems giant too.

---

Thank goodness for tea.

(grande green tea latte with raspberry syrup and foam,

180 degrees and excellent company.... it's the cure for any heartache)

---

Last night I slept so well, which was a relief after not sleeping that great on and off for a month. I believe that it was a mixture of waking up to yummy tea, receiving great advice, spending time with friends and having wonderful family time before calling it a night. And I called it a night at my second home. My second home that God generously gave me. He couldn't have given me a greater gift, in all honesty. I'm still in awe.

---

My brother is coming home for Christmas. It will be so awesome to see him again! I've always said that if I believed in idols.... my brother would be mine. It's hard to explain really. He's the most incredible person.... such a beautiful Christian and an inspiring roll model. I give a lot of credit to him for how I became who I am today. My love for him is endless. I miss him so much. He's my honest hero. <3

Is There Life on Mars?

2007-11-09T20:48:00.000-08:00

A part of me wants to leave my old life behind, move on, forget about it.
A part of me needs to leave my old life behind.
A part of me wants it back.
A part of me misses it horribly.

---

I can't just pretend it never happened. No matter how unsafe Spiritually it was. Sure, it seems like a dream to me because most of it was lived in a sort of trance/ tripped out/ surreal/ too much dreaming/ not enough reality kind of way (no, I wasn't on drugs...). It's hard to explain, but basically my dreams were huge and I lived each day making myself believe I could have them.

---

And they weren't normal dreams.

---

There is one thing that I do miss though. The way the sun hit the air. It was different out there. It inspired me and comforted me in a deep, creative way. Again, it's impossible to explain. It was like creativity flowed through the atmosphere and if the sun hit the clouds and the trees just right.... I could write a whole movie in my head based on the feeling in that moment in time. I haven't felt that in awhile. The sun here shines brightly, but its higher in the sky, I think, it doesn't create the right kind of shadows and filtered light.

---

I miss my creative atmosphere.

---

I miss dreaming about traveling the world, and living against everything society talked about and decided was the true way to live life. I miss listening to Bright Eyes and Brian Jonestown Massacre on the city bus and listening to buskers on Whyte Ave (who were really just lazy teens with no ambition in life and a faded ability to dream). I miss the local shows and going to halls to hear my buddies play. I miss the cliff where everything seemed to be put into proper perspective... my perspective.

---

I miss my inspirers..... the world was ours to conquer. Sitting in the field with our guitars, our camera and the creative atmosphere.... our castle and our sheep and the band.... I didn't want anything more. I had my best friends and my future all planned out.

---

Those are the things I know I need to let go. Unhealthy, though so exciting. It hurts when you're best friends don't feel the same passion about true life that you do. God just wasn't in the cards they dealt for themselves.

---

And they were bringing me down, while lifting me so high.

---

Pause.

---

I don't know what got me thinking about this anyway... kinda weird actually. Edmonton was just a city of inspiration for me, and I guess what I might be getting at, or where I could take this thought is that... Ottawa is a place of inspiration for me too... it's just different inspiration. It's Holy inspiration. And although leaving Edmonton was difficult and I do miss the creative atmosphere, I'm so glad I was able to give it up for Holy inspiration. I've found true meaning in life and dreams since I've been here. My future is actually starting to get colour and I feel like it's going to be good....

---

Start.

---

I'm tired.

And I've been eyeing my Mars bar for almost an hour now....

I can't resist any longer.

To Mars and to bed, that's my dream for tonight.

Jesus You Are God

2007-11-07T09:47:00.000-08:00

Love unfailing, overtaking my heart.
Finding peace again, fear is lost in all you are.

†††

Jesus, I believe in you

and I would go

to the ends of the earth

for you

alone are the son of God

and all the world will see

that you are God

you are God.

†††

To the ends of the earth.

†††

You ARE GOD!

†††

Don't you just want to praise Him?

Don't you just want to PRAISE HIM?

Don't you just want to run around proclaiming the amazing grace and love of Jesus our Christ?!

Jesus THE CHRIST!

†††

Open up our hearts

that we will know you.

KNOW you.

know YOU!

†††

Jesus

†††

Open up our hearts....

We love you.

Oh Jesus.

Thank you Jesus.

†††

†

†††

You gave your only son for me

Your grace is all around.

A love that's stronger

A love that covers sin

and takes the weight of the world.

†††

I love You.

†††

Jesus Christ

Take my life

Take all of me.

†††

All of my hope is in You.

†††

I need You so, my everything....

†††

Jesus.

JESUS

Praise Adonai

†††

The most beautiful things in this world can't compare to your beauty Oh Lord.

The mountains, the birds, Lord, you created them in your image...

... but you're so much more beautiful!

Majesty!

Forever I am changed by your love.

In the beauty of your majesty.

†††

Forever I will seek you

All you are is all I want.

Draw me close, in your arms.
OH GOD!

†††

Breathe on me.

Let me see your face.

I want to be with you.

†††

Always.

†††
I WANT TO BE WITH YOU!

†††

I love you Lord.

†††

I need you here.

You're like the rain that falls.

Fall on this heart and make me new.
†††

I only want to be where you are.

†††

HOLY.

HOLY is the LORD.

KING of GLORY

Forever, SAVIOR, of the world.

†††

You have put Heaven in my heart.

†††

Great is the Lord God Almighty.

Great is the Lord on high.

We cry out highest praise.

GLORY to the RISEN KING.

GLORY to the Son, Glorious One.

†††

Lift up your hands

Open the doors

Let the King of Glory come in

And Forever we bow down.

†††

Holy

Crown Him LORD of ALL!

†††

Light the fire within oh Holy GOD!

I want to dance with you!

I want to dance for you!

I want to dance because of you God!

†††

Glorious SON!

†††

Father

†††

Majesty.

Wonderful.

Emmanuel

Prince of Piece

Righteous One.

King.

Father.

I adore you.

†††

I give my life to You.

Breathing

2007-11-06T19:24:00.000-08:00

friend (noun): a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

---

Would you not agree that we should be to our friends what Jesus is to us? I truely believe that once you fall in love with Jesus, the love you feel for people changes completely. It's revamped. It's filled with new meaning. It becomes true, to the core, deep down, fill your whole heart and mind, genuine love. It's a love with no limits, no beginnings or endings, no boundaries, no fear.

---

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm in love. I'm in love with so many people it's overwhelming. And the love I feel is different then ever before and I honestly don't think I know how to handle it. I want it to stay true and genuine and innocent, but I also want it to be open to everyone being themselves and not "sensoring" it to please the majority or perhaps the minority.... society. Society ruins so many good things. Society is so quick to judge, so quick to throw out rules of acceptability. Society doesn't know anything. Society doesn't even exist... who is society? Who sets the trends, who sets the right and wrong, who is the "they" that society is made up of?

---

How did I get from talking about love to trying to figure out the concept of "society"?

---

My challenge to you is to be less judgemental. Be less judgemental and feel less judged. Whether we are being judged or not we shouldn't dwell on the thoughts of others because who are they to judge? Didn't Jesus say "he who is without sin throw the first stone"? No one on earth is better then you or I, and you and I are no better then anyone either. God created us equal. God created us unique. God also created us human and he gave us the gift of choice.

---

Don't judge and make good choices.

---

That is my sermon to you tonight :)

Purity

2007-11-04T18:56:00.000-08:00

pu·ri·ty (noun): the condition or quality of being pure; freedom from anything that debases, contaminates, pollutes; freedom from guilt or evil; innocence; physical chastity; virginity.

---

I think Purity sums up 365. My goal is to be purified.

---

I've done some stuff during my life that I need to cleanse myself from. I've already begun to filter my mind and regain control of my thoughts, which was a big goal for me. Having control over my thoughts makes everything else a tad bit easier.

---

I've also been filtering out who I talk to, which has made a huge difference in my attitude and mood. Spending more time with people that make me happy and feel good about myself, and spending less time texting or hanging out with people that upset, confuse or lower myself respect and/or confidence has helped me to treat people in the same way... with more respect.

---

I've been trying to eat healthier, not too sure how successful I am in that field yet. Working has helped though because it's a physical job that gives me a good workout 3 or 4 times a week. I've been drinking more water too, which is great. Still have a ways to go! I'm not concerned about losing weight anymore.... yea, 10 pounds would be sweet to lose, but I don't obsess over it anymore. I am me. :)

---

Which brings me to my next point....... I'm totally cool with who I am. Personality, faith, thoughts and opinions, friends, family, things that I love to do and listen to, the way I look... for the longest time I couldn't stand anything about myself, but I'm finally learning to appreciate who God made me. He doesn't just make stuff for the sake of making it... he thought me out well and I am who he wants me to be. The more time I spend with Jesus the more I hear Him telling me I'm alright. He shows me where to improve, let's me know when I'm doing something right and covers for me when I make a silly mistake... the guy's got my back!! I am oh so thankful :)

---

My thoughts on school have been changing I think. I love photography deeply, but perhaps I don't need to take it in school... maybe I should continue on in design, or switch to my original plan of film, or what about social work or Bible College? I've got a few months to figure it out, I'm not too worried yet.

---

Jesus is the perfect example of purity. I want to be like Jesus.

Für Elise

2007-11-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

Beethoven wrote the most beautiful piece of classical piano music. It's entrancing and elegant and emotion raising. I just love it so much.

---

I thank God for his presence in times of laughter and in times of tears.

Romans 6:17-18

2007-11-01T16:32:00.000-07:00

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

---

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

---

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

---

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

---

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

---

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

---

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

---

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

---

Everything - Lifehouse

Know And Fear The Lord

2007-10-30T16:58:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night. I dream almost every night, usually stuff that makes no sense at all or stuff that's absolutely horrid and terrifying. But last night it was different. It was vivid and real and I believe very important.

---

I was leaving a building, walking with Chantal and my sister and I saw this man looking at me. He was very dark skinned with grey hair. He was wearing a white suit with a white shirt and a white tie. When I got into the van I sat in the front seat and I turned around and sitting in the very back was the same man, but now he's wearing a black suit, black shirt and black tie. I started talking to him, kinda in a scared way and Chantal asked me who I was talking to. She couldn't see him. And at that moment I knew he represented death. And the man in the white represented life. Then it jumped to me walking with the man dressed in black and I he was telling me I wasn't doing something... and for the life of me I can't figure out what he said! I argued that I was a good christian, but he was telling me there was something I was missing. And then I think I knew I was going to die... and I was OK with it. But then I appeared in some room, like a freezer or storage closet with my mom and she asked me where I'd been. I asked how long I'd been gone for and she said one week. Then the dream ended.

---

It's been on my mind all day. I'm not giving my all the way I should be. I just don't know what I need to do to be giving my all. I mean I know there's things I need to work on, I know exactly what, but I feel like I'm missing something, and the black suited guy told me and I can't remember!

---

I need to be more honest with myself I think. I need to concentrate on God and I and not on my relationships with other people.... I know my relationships with other people are important, but I've kinda got a hold on that right now..... and God is waiting for my 100% all.... these are just rambles of stuff going through my head.... I'm just not sure how to take my relationship with God to the next level.

---

I hope He speaks to me again soon.... I mean, I hope I can hear Him soon... I hope I understand. I want to understand.

---

Come and listen, come to the water's edge, all you who know and fear the Lord.

Come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who are thirsty, come.

Let me tell you what He has done for me.

Let me tell you what He has done for me,

He has done for you,

He has done for us.

Come and listen,

come and listen to what He's done.

Come and listen,

come and listen to what He's done.

Praise our God for He is good.

He has done for me,

He has done for you,

He has done for us.

Come and listen,

come and listen to what He's done.

Come and listen,

come and listen to what He's done.

God-Shaped Hole

2007-10-27T20:16:00.000-07:00

Lord help me to be less jealous and more trusting.

---

Tonight was pretty awesome. I went to a city wide Christian gathering called "The Gathering" at the hockey stadium with a few from my church family and we sang and danced and praised God together. It was so awesome to see the light and the energy of God's love in their faces as they sang and gave it all to Him. I love it. I love God so much and I love praising Him.

---

The most attractive thing about a boy is watching him praise God.

---

I feel like I need to do something. When I lived in Edmonton I was involved for awhile with street ministry and different kinds of children's ministries and I just feel like I need to be involved in that again here. I wonder if there is something I could join in on or if there's something I could start. I just know there's a need for more Christian faces on the streets getting their fingers dirty. We need to be living more dangerously. We need to be risking more. We need to fill the God-shaped holes!!

---

I left my PJ's in my bedroom and my Uncle and Aunt have already gone to bed, so I guess I'm sleeping in my jeans tonight!

---

I miss my brother deeply.

---

I should really get off this because I'm using my dad's laptop and I'm probably not aloud haha

---

Love

2007-10-22T12:15:00.000-07:00

I've finally learned what Love is.

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For years the concept of 'love' made little sense to me. It was warped in my mind due to, I believe, a few unfortunate events. I used to constantly ask myself, is this love? Why do these people say they love each other, why do they say they love me, and if this is love and they do love me, then why does everyone make it out to be something so wonderful?

---

I didn't understand because what I thought and felt as love, was painful.

---

Love is constantly thinking good thoughts about someone.

Love is wanting to do things for someone, even if they don't ask, or don't need it.

Love is understanding and patient.

Love is getting excited at the thought of seeing someone, even though you just saw them 5 minutes ago.

Love is giddy.

Love is warm and comforting.

Love is family, whether you share the same blood or not.

Love is being heartbroken when they feel sad.

Love is being ecstatic when they are happy.

Love is wanting to teach and to learn with them.

Love is endless amazement and being in awe of them.

Love is being proud of them.

Love is eternal.

Love is traveling in the rain or snow, just to see them.

Love is dropping everything and running.

Love is God in the heart.

---

If there's only one thing I've learned so far in my journey through this year, it's that love is true and the deeper in love I fall with God, the deeper in love I can fall with the people around me. And I have definitely fallen in love with my new friends. Thanks to God I'm so in love! And I don't want to ever fall out of love with any of them.

---

“Love is patient; love is kind

and envies no one.

Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;

never selfish, not quick to take offense.

There is nothing love cannot face;

there is no limit to its faith,

its hope, and endurance.

In a word, there are three things

that last forever:

faith, hope, and love;

but the greatest of them all is love.”

1 Corinthians 13:4

Just You And Me

2007-10-03T19:04:00.000-07:00

A new friend of mine has the most genuine smile I have ever seen. It's overwhelming and I find myself being taken over by happiness everytime I see it. It's so true and so real and so beautiful. I want him to smile all the time.

---

Votre sourire est si vrai et beau. Votre coeur est juste le même.

---

I went to Bible study tonight and had a really great time. It's Alpha youth and I'm sort of a leader in it - actually next Wednesday I'm running it - but today we had some great discussion. The classic question of "how do we know we're right" came up and I've come to the conclusion that, no matter what anyone else believes I know in my heart that I'm right. I wouldn't feel the amazing grace and love that I feel if I was wrong. And I know I'm right because no one else has ever died on the cross so that I could live. How is that not true? How can you even think to deny such love. How does anything else make sense? How could someone be so blind from such truth? I just can't fathom how an unbeliever lives without such hope.

---

I love the passion in people to know more and the longing to go deeper into God and into the word. I love discussion and listening and seeing the excitment in their eyes and faces. It's like whenever someone talks so passionetly about Jesus their whole aura becomes energized and so alive! It's incredible.

---

"Forgive them Lord for they know not what they do."

Those are the most mind shattering and awe worthy words I have ever heard (read). Even while they were crucifying Jesus, pinning Him to a cross and torturing Him with their disbelief, His love for them still cried out - that must have been the most painful part of His whole experience - watching His children turn their backs on Him.

---

I challenge you to set aside a specific time of the day to spend "Just you and me" time with Jesus. I guarantee your relationship with Him and with everyone around you will get better, you'll enjoy life more and you'll realize that you don't need to stress about everything, or anything really. My favourite thing ever is the fact that He goes ahead of you. I'll never forget that. My path is always ready for me. He never forgets to take care of me. And the deeper our relationship gets, the more I feel I can rely on Him and the more I get out of life. I love it. I really really love Him.

You & Me

2007-10-02T19:20:00.000-07:00

I need to practice obedience.

And

I need to practice patience.

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I hate the feeling of confusion, especially when I feel it about every aspect of my life. It makes living difficult, and it makes being myself difficult.

---

[I loved you more then you'll ever know]

---

I know who I want to be, and how I want to be, but I don't know how to be who I want to be. The confusion stirs up these weird and awkward feelings and it changes my thought process so that I'm not thinking clearly. When I sit and concentrate on God, it starts to make sense and I can deal with it, but during the confusion, it's hard to remember God and to think about thinking about Him. It's hard to stop being confused and focus. The feelings take over and that weird pain feeling comes back and messes up all normality in my head.

---

Hanging onto things from the past is a bad idea, because life moves forward, not backwards. What has happened already can't happen again. Those moments you waited for are over and the moments you are now waiting for, will be over soon. I hang onto strange things from the past, certain people I shouldn't and it confuses me. Times that were great, but that ended horribly, I hang onto the great parts and try to ignore the horrible. That doesn't work though, because the horrible did happen and there's nothing you can do to change it. Well sure, people can change, but life moves forward and now I'm here, and they're there. I'm here. They're there. How did we get here?

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[All I know is it's another day now]

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I'm so glad that amongst all the change and the confusion in my life, God is and will always be constant. Whenever I need a dose of reality, I can just call on Him and he'll put it into perspective for me. I just need to learn to call on Him more often.

I'll Do My Best

2007-09-29T16:37:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling this weird feeling over these last few days. I'm not sure I quite understand it. It hurts, I know that, but I don't know why. And it's kind of, well, all over my heart. But I don't understand because these past few weeks have been really awesome. I'm becoming really great friends with some youth at church and I feel like I fit in. Well, most of the time I feel like it. I don't know. It's strange. God definitely is my comfort while I feel like this, but it still hurts. I'm asking Him what the feeling means and I have a feeling it's a mixture of stuff.

---

It just really literally hurts.

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I woke up this morning ready to throw up. I couldn't though because I was playing bass for Allison at the women's brunch. I got to the church and was totally out of it, kinda dizzy and definitely feeling nasty in my stomach. It went away when the youth showed up at Ryan's for the Amazing Race, but it came back again soon after. And now it really hurts.

---

My heart and my stomach.

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I think my mommy is on the phone right now :)

You Are The Soverign I Am!

2007-09-26T19:18:00.000-07:00

So it's been awhile since I've blogged, but that doesn't mean I've been slacking. In fact, I've seen myself grow a lot in these past few days and weeks.

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I think the biggest and most beautiful revolution is that I've realized that God is still alive in the hearts of young people! The revolution doesn't lay in the fact that I've realized this but the fact that it's true. I've been so inspired by my youth and by youth that I've been talking to recently and I praise God for His work and His love. I'm so in love with Him and when I see Him in the eyes of my friends, my heart swells with joy and excitement.

---

On Sunday Simon talked about the Transformation of the Mind and I think that's huge in the process of giving all to God.

Renewing Your Mind:

- God's word

- Prayer

- Worship

Conform or Transform?

- Our minds have to be prepared for action

- We have to be critical thinkers and discipline our minds

- Get ready for battle

Philippians 4:8-9

8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

A Mind Challenge:

- Spend 15 minutes a day for one month reading the Bible

- Quietly listen to God for 10 minutes each morning for 2 weeks

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When God is the center of your life, happiness truely takes over. Ever since I started 365, I've been happy. Yea, I've had my stressful days, but that's normal. I've been stepping out of my comfort zone, which is totally unlike me, but I've been rewarded for it. I think that God wants us to step out of our comfort zone. How else are we supposed to grow and learn? We'll become stronger and more outgoing people if we do. And we need to be outgoing to be successful for Christ. Don't let your fears take hold of you, because wherever you go, God has already gone ahead of you to prepare the path for you.

Praise Our God, For He Is Good

2007-09-18T19:20:00.000-07:00

My heart was touched tonight after talking with a friend from camp. Him and his girlfriend created a website stating their faith in Jesus Christ and proclaiming that our God is an awesome God. It's such a beautiful site and I know it's going to touch a lot of lives. With their spirit in their high school, so many people will meet God and I think that is so incredible. Please check out their website and keep them in your prayers.

http://www.freewebs.com/alivenetwork/

---

God is everlasting and ever present. He blows my mind everyday. I thank Him for his patience with me. My plans for this year are very challenging and at times I'm feeling like giving up. Giving up already and it hasn't even been a month. It's just hard to think about Him every moment of every day when I live in such a wrecked and broken world. Hate and sin just fill the air around me, and a lot of the time it overwhelms me. When I remember Jesus though, it's a beautiful feeling of calmness and relief and peace. As long as I can remember to think of Jesus and His commitment to me, I know I can return the commitment and continue to grow into the Christian I want to be.

Transformation - A New Heart

2007-09-16T15:46:00.000-07:00

by Capt. Simon Downey

Letting God change you from the inside out

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Ezekiel 36:24-29

24 " 'For I will take you out of the nations; I will gather you from all the countries and bring you back into your own land. 25 I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. 28 You will live in the land I gave your forefathers; you will be my people, and I will be your God. 29 I will save you from all your uncleanness. I will call for the grain and make it plentiful and will not bring famine upon you.

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1. I can't change what is wrong on the outside until I first change what is wrong on the inside. (vs 25)

2. I can't change what is wrong on the inside without God changing me. (vs 26)

3. When God changes my heart I become more ready to live the way he intended. (vs 27)

4. When God changes my heart he shifts my attention from dealing with the problem to building relationship with the Father. (vs 28)

5. When God changes my heart I become aware that I am not the only one with needs and problems. (vs 26)

6. When God changes my heart I believe that my success to dealing with my problems lies in God's hands not mine. (vs 29)

God's Love Is Intricate

2007-09-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

Let's Rock!

2007-09-11T20:23:00.000-07:00

Today was a really super day. Ryan, my youth pastor, picked up my sister and I at 10 am. We made a few stops to pick up paint and then spent the entire day painting the youth room at the church. It looked so good when we finished for the day, but still so much to do! And it was just so great to spend that time with Christian people and have good conversation.

---

This evening I went to my first worship team practice and that was awesome too!! I haven't played bass in a few months, and though my heart ached for Charlie (RIP), if felt great to pull strings again. And the band members are so fun! I'm the youngest, but that doesn't matter. They all totally support my lack of experience (some of them have years on me) and made me feel like a real member. I'm pretty sure they'll keep me around for awhile. :)

---

One of the goals I made is turning out to be a lot more difficult then I had envisioned. The, take care of your body, goal. I had Wendy's for lunch and McDonald's for dinner. Yea. That's nasty. I really need to start following the Canada Food Guide and stop eating so many calories. I also need to drink more water, get more exercise and plan out my sleep pattern better. I have such a long way to go before I get on to a good routine.

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I got a job... yippee!! But I'm still waiting to hear from them on when I begin. Hopefully by Thursday!!

Revolutionary Love

2007-09-10T19:44:00.001-07:00

Isaiah 58:1, 6-8, 9-11

"Shout! with the voice of a trumpet blast.
Shout aloud! Don't be timid.
Tell my people Israel of their sins!
Let the oppressed go free,
and remove the chains that bind people.
Share your food with the hungry,
and give shelter to the homeless.
Give clothes to those who need them,
and do not hide from relatives who need your help.
Your godliness will lead you forward,
and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind.
Remove the heavy yoke of oppression.
Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors!
Feed the hungry
and help those in trouble.
Then your light will shine out from the darkness,
and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon.
The Lord will guide you continually,
giving you water when you are dry
and restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like an ever-flowing spring."

Who Is Like Our God?

2007-09-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

Ecclesiastes 9:7-10

Seize life! Eat bread with gusto,

drink wine with a robust heart.

Oh yes - God takes pleasure in your pleasure!

Dress festively every morning.

Don't skimp on colours and scarves.

Relish life with the spouse you love

Each and every day of your precarious life.

Each day is God's gift. It's all you get in exchange

For the hard work of staying alive.

Make the most of each one!

Whatever turns up, grab it and do it. And heartily!

This is your last and only chance at it,

For there's neither work to do nor thoughts to think

In the company of the dead, where you're most certainly headed.

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When I woke up this morning, I was cold. And it was the nicest feeling. It was refreshing and the breeze coming in my window blew on my face and when I breathed it in, I could actually feel it fill my lungs. And something inside me jumped. I woke up with an adrenaline rush.

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God created a beautiful morning and I felt Him around me.

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This is the day,

this is the day,

that the Lord hath made,

that the Lord hath made.

We will rejoice,

we will rejoice...

And be GLAD in Him!

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In Ecclesiastes 9, it talks about loving life and taking it for all it's worth. SEIZE life!! Eat bread with gusto! God gets excited when we get excited. When I'm dancing in my room to my praise and worship, even the Beatles, God is dancing right next to me. He loves us being happy. It probably gets Him all giddy inside and I bet he even starts to giggle.

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One of my goals for this year is to start doing more of the things that really make me happy. In life we're surrounded with things that aren't necessarily enjoyable - school and work, worrying about bills or where our kids are (well, I mean if you had kids... I don't, but if I did, I'd worry)... these things take up all of our thoughts and leave little room for creativity and imagination. We need to become children again. When we were little we put all our faith in our parents and we let them take care of us. Life was great!! We need to give it all up and let someone take care of us. God. Our Father. When we do that, we'll have less to worry about, which will give us more time to do fun things. Whether it's painting, writing, fishing, skate boarding or cooking. If we believe that God can watch our backs while we take some time off, we can relax and have a good time.

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I'm sure you'd agree that your best friend is more fun to hang out with when they're happy and excited right? Well, the same goes for God. Like a best friend, he's there the whole time, no matter what, but he gets excited when you get excited, and he'll dance with you whenever you want.

Spiritual Treasures

2007-09-08T19:01:00.000-07:00

Mt. 6:19-21

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

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Mt. 6:25-34

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

---

I really appreciate what Jesus is saying in these few verses. He's teaching us not to hold on to the things of the earth, the memories that might bog us down or create pain, or even bring joy and comfort. He wants us to let go of everything we have on the earth so that He can be all we need. Life on earth is temporary, and life in heaven will be worth so much more! God knows what we need, when we need it and how badly we need it. God provides. And His comfort is the most satisfying.

I can tell you in all honesty that you don't need the things of the earth. The books and the Cd's, the over-large wardrobes - I know that life can go on without them. And although I feel like a huge piece of my life was torn out after the accident, I've come to realize that that hole is just creating more space for Jesus! God is all I need! He provides when you need providing for and as long as your faith in Him is strong and your love for life is deep... you will be without worry, and live a really great life.

Week One

2007-09-07T16:59:00.000-07:00

It's been a week since I began this trip and it's been an interesting week. I think mainly I've focused on goals and my plans for the future. It's been a good week, but I still have a long way to go.

---

"30 Days with Jesus" by F. LaGard Smith - The Gospels in Chronological Order.

This is what I'm using for my daily devos. It's neat to read about Jesus in order of how things happened... it helps me get a better understanding and glimpse of how Jesus lived.

I'd recommend it to anyone.

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I think one of my biggest struggles is going to be closing my ears. I shouldn't be listening to some of my favourite music. And what technically is ok to listen to? Just Christian music or is it ok to throw in some other stuff too? I love 70s classics. Love. Led Zeppelin, The Who, The Beatles, Mamas and the Papas... Bob Dylan. The messages that some of these bands offer aren't always the greatest... but does the fact that they are classics make it ok? It shouldn't... music is music right? The message is the message, no matter what era it comes from, I'd be applying it to my life today. Perhaps my plan to live a carefree hippie life should be revised...

Isaiah 40:28-31

2007-09-06T19:09:00.000-07:00

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Market Night

2007-09-05T19:33:00.000-07:00

The market comes alive at night time. I love it. People dancing on the walks, human robots coming alive for money, buskers playing their music. It's amazing.

---

I think in a way Jesus may have been like a busker. Standing on the side of the road preachin his good news. I'm sure his undescribable glow of a personality would intrigue people to stop, and instead of giving a nickle or a dime, they'd end up giving their lives over.

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Kinda neat eh?

Growth

2007-09-04T15:48:00.000-07:00

Growth comes in lots of forms. A tree getting taller and stronger. A city developing and expanding. A baby taking their first steps. The nerdy kid at school standing up to the bully. A lost soul giving in to the saving grace of Jesus Christ.

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One of the coolest things I've recently learned is that Jesus went through growth too. I suppose I always just assumed that Jesus, being the son of God, knew everything there was to know and was born having all the answers to our interrogating questions. And in all honesty, Christmas was the only time I thought of Jesus not being an adult. I didn't think about the fact that he had to grow up, just like the rest of us.

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Mary and Joseph also went through the stages of worrying about their teenager, wondering where he was when he wouldn't show up for a few hours or days - it kind of seems like Jesus was a rebel at times. However, he would most likely be found listening and learning about God somewhere. He was so fascinated about God, even though I believe he always knew he had a special connection with Him.

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This inspires me. Life is hard. Life is so hard. But the older I get and the more I learn, the more I can see my growth. My growth as a Christian, as an artist, a photographer and a person. The more I grow, the more I want to grow more. The more I learn the more intrigued I am to learn more. Knowing that Jesus felt a craving to know more makes Him more human to me. It makes me feel more connected to the man that died for me. When I hear about Jesus in church or while reading the Parables, its always about how he knew everything. He could answer with a really smart answer that would either leave you dumbfounded or totally inspired to be a better person, and that's totally awesome, but he had to learn to know. And I know I'll never know as much as Jesus, but I can learn and study and be closer to Jesus.

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I guess what I'm saying is this: To be more like Jesus, one must learn and share what they learn about God and living as a successful Christian. It's a crucial step on the journey to being more like Him. And that should be every Christians goal if they want to live a more intense and dedicated Christian life.

Capture My Heart Again

2007-09-03T14:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it would just be easier to give in to temptations and sin. Why is that? Why is it so easy to do things that are wrong and sometimes so difficult to do things that are right?

---

This is a challenge for me. And I think of it in extremes. Would I be a martyr for Christ?

What am I willing to give up for my God?

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What are you willing to give up?

Surrender All

2007-09-02T17:01:00.000-07:00

God spoke to me this summer - a few times. And it took a lot for me to be quieted and able to listen. When my parents told me they had been transferred out of Edmonton, I made the decision to stay behind. Nothing was going to convince me to move. At least, that's what I told myself. But God had other plans. I distinctly remember him telling me, "You're going, and there's nothing you can do about it". Strangely enough, I was OK with it. In that moment, I knew, God told me and I had to obey.

---

So the weeks went by and I prepared for my move. I've never been an advocate for change, but deep down I was excited. I knew I needed things to be different in many aspects of my life. I just wasn't content with where I was headed. The day we drove away I can remember feeling harsh pain in my heart, but relief in my entire body. Leaving what I knew, what I loved... I've moved before and it was never easy, but this time it was different. A different connection or something.

---

Leaving my brother was the most difficult part. Our family has always been a tight unit, we needed each other to survive, it was always us against the world and we were losing an integral part of our team. Putting my faith in God at that moment was all I could do to drive away without dieing of heartache. I love my brother more then life.

---

So our journey began. Five days on the road from Edmonton to Ottawa. Back to Ontario, back to the beginning. We arrived in Ottawa on the last day of June, a Saturday. Our new house was new to the army and had no furniture so we went to Wal*Mart and bought blow up mattresses to sleep on. Mine deflated within the first hour, but it was OK, it was an adventure, and I knew soon enough my blankets and teddy bear would be arriving.... well, that was the plan anyway.

---

Our moving truck was supposed to arrive on the Tuesday at eight o'clock in the morning. We waited and waited and finally at about twelve o'clock my dad decided to call the company and find out where they were. A lady answered and my dad asked why they hadn't arrived yet and she said she would call back in a few minutes. An hour or so later, we got the call that changed our lives forever.

---

On July 1st a pick-up truck was traveling down a highway in Winnipeg and collided with a moving truck. It hit the gas tank and exploded, sending flames down the trailer of the truck and igniting the whole vehicle. The drivers jumped and ran for safety and stood watching the truck burn. It burnt for two hours before firemen could arrive at the scene and begin to extinguish the flames. The damage was complete. Nothing remained of the truck except a melted frame stuck to the pavement.

---

Two days later we're told that story. That was our moving truck. Everything we owned we packed up and placed on board. Two days later we found out. Two days after it happened. And only because we called to find out where they were.

---

It's been two months since the accident. We've spent the past two months trying to figure out what had happened and why. Why. Why.

---

This unfortunate turn of events inspired me, and yet again I heard God speak to me clearly. "You have to give it all. Stop holding onto baggage, stop holding onto the things of the world. You need to put your full trust in me. I won't let you down."

---

Project 365 was born. I planned a year of full surrender and Jesus Cleansing. Body, mind, spirit. I have a full year ahead of me with no plans at all other then to work and save. I didn't get in to school because I applied too late, and even though at the time I found that out I was devastated, now I look at it as something great and exciting. I have a full year to do whatever I want. No homework or stresses to clog my mind, just me and Jesus, for 365 days.

---

I'm very excited for it and I'm dedicated and determined to pull through. I'm still not positive on how it will turn out or what crazy things will happen, but I'm so excited to experience the amazing power of God when I learn to Surrender All.

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Please pray for me. I'm sacrificing a lot to accomplish what I'd like to. I know God is with me and is helping me along everyday, but being human, it's tough to disconnect myself from the evils and damaging things of the world, whether it be in thoughts, actions or words. I'm so determined and so excited.

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Thank you for your support.

:) Shel

Your Love Is Extravagant

2007-09-01T18:09:00.000-07:00

Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel I'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in the secret place
Cause Your love is extravagant

Chorus:
Spread wide in the arms of Christ is the love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known; You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again

Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel I'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in the secret place
Your love is extravagant

Spread wide in the arms of Christ is the love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known; You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again

Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate

Your Surrender

2007-09-01T01:01:00.000-07:00

When was the first time you met Jesus? And how much longer after that did it take for you to give your life over to Him?

If You Could Ask God Anything...

2007-09-01T01:00:00.000-07:00

What would you ask Him?